Yep, only when you have to make them do you realize that you are indeed a grown-up. And that life is not how it was when you were Daddy’s little girl, you’d run to Daddy and tell him the problem and expect it to be solved in the next minute. Or pick up the phone and talk it out with Mommy, and expect her to solve it for you. Well, when you grow up, more often than not, you discover you cannot even discuss many of your dilemmas with your parents. That’s the downside of being a grown-up, I feel.
I will take a slight digression and mull on how much watching Gilmore Girls again made me miss my Mommy. And how many times in the middle of an episode, I would pick up the phone and talk some random stuff with Mom, not the usual, how are you doing, did you take your meds, no, I cannot visit you this weekend etc. Yeah, I realized that watching the show made me grow closer to my Mom, reminisce all the moments I spent talking to Mom when I was staying at home, and how we are still close, except that we now don’t see eye-to-eye on most topics. Watching the show has also made me understand Mom more, understand how she would’ve felt when she saw her kids leave home, how she dealt with the empty nest syndrome and how she is coping with it even now… Well, as I said, I digress.
Back to the decisions, it sucks, doesn’t it. To be all grown-up, with the whole world expecting you to know what you want in life and how to get it. To have to deal with all your problems without support. To be an adult, pay bills, make plans etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for independence, but I sometimes get nostalgic about the irresponsibility, of depending on someone else to get your stuff done and of having to pick up the phone and just expect problems to be solved. Yeah, I chose this world, and as much I whine about it, I want this. I want to be able to decide what I want to do with anything I would like, and how things have to be dealt with in my life. Makes me feel all super-powerful.
It only stinks when I have to prioritize. When I have to decide what I want to do over something else I want to do. Its the difference between ‘want to do’ and ‘have to do’ that bugs me, and by what I see around among all the adults I know (those who don’t want to be adults but have to be ), its a problem all of us have.
I just made one of such tough decisions. It was between what I want to do, and what I have to do. Have to do is pretty important stuff and yes, it keeps me happy. Want to do is something I always wanted to do. An option I wanted to explore as an alternate career. Something I wanted to do when I grew bored of my Have-to-do stuff. Something that was my cushion. I thought I could do both of these, I am a super-woman after all , just that it turns out I am not. Deadlines in both these areas of work, and I figured out I will have to let the want-to-do go away. I cannot screw up with my have-to-dos, can’t I? And so, I decided to take a shot at want-to-do when I am more relaxed with my have-to-do.
I know I am going to regret this decision, moreover opportunities do not keep coming. And so this will get filed under the Missed-Opportunities list I am maintaining. This might even be a Dear Diary moment, for me to look back when this list grows too big because I will forever be busy with my have-to-do. Sigh. Sometimes, at very very rare times, being an adult sucks. Coz I alone am responsible for this decision, no?